So, it’s come to this. You’ve just clicked an article titled Weird Places To Have Sex In Dronfield. How do you feel about that? This is the type of life you lead right now. You sit at home on the sofa, idly scrolling Facebook, you see that a local blog has published a piece on weird places to have sex and you click it.
As soon as you saw it you imagined a couple rutting doggy-style in Sainsbury’s disabled toilet, beads of love sweat dripping down her back on to that pole that spackers use to hoist themselves (I don’t know) onto the bog. Or someone getting a sloppy gum job in the back corner of the Library whilst thumbing a copy of Alan Titchmarsh’s Greener Guide to Gardening. Also, some kind of Peel Monument sex. What kind of sick pervert are you? Peel Monument sex? I’m unfriending you on facebook. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Elliott.
If your idea of thrill-seeking fuckery is smashing some poor souls backdoor in under the watchful eye of professional pizza-men, I’ve got news for you Elliott Hill: you’re wrong. The saddest, strangest thing about imagining anyone having sex next to the commercial ovens in Fat Sam’s is that unavoidably you thought about garlic mayo. Admit it, you did. You know somehow garlic mayo would have to be involved. Think about that next Friday at midnight when you’re ordering a Garlic Bread Supreme.
I really wanted to include some kind of joke about garlic mayo which implies that it may possibly already contain population paste but it doesn’t seem right. I like Fat Sams and the guys behind the counter are really nice. One time I was so drunk they agreed to deliver my pizza to my house with me as well.
I’m willing to bet money people have had sex in Geoff’s DIY. The allure of averagely priced key cutting and bags of pet food has to be too much for some people. As you’re gyrating and tentatively building momentum you can also price-up your DIY list. Throaty moans and the unmistakable squelching sound that only love can make fills the store. Geoff is in the back getting you a spare key cut and you’re just shagging full pelt, bagging handfuls of dry mix for your guinea pig and eyeing keychains. You’re in your final throes then you notice the unbelievable deal on heavy-duty refuse sacks and in that minute you’re at one with your lover, the refuse bags, Geoff and the world.
Geoff sexily whispers into your ear: “Ay up mate, your key is done. I’ll leave it on the counter for when you’re finished. I’m just going to get a steak bake from the Cooplands. Do you want anything fetching? Maybe a can of coke or a bag of cheese and onion crisps?”
Unstone Car Wash
Okay, so, yeah, okay, so, bare with me: it’s like dogging but whilst you’re piping hot foam all over your loved one/significant other/grindr date, an eastern-Europe man is piping hot foam all over your Volvo. Your car is getting cleaner as you get dirtier. A hoard of two or three migrants shine the hood of your car, as your Gumtree classified ad lover shines your hood. As you climax you wonder what to be happiest about, the incomparable ecstasy of pure physical intimacy or the fact the European Union’s open-border policy has made all this possible for a very affordable price.
I have never been inside Gunstones but I imagine it’s nothing like Willy Wonka’s amazing chocolate factory. In fact it looks quite bleak and considering that two men died there earlier this year by drowning in custard I am prepared to admit it does not sound like a very romantic setting for some mindless humping (not like your brothers bedroom. Tell him I say hey.). That being said, it does smell like hot cross buns and work involved in preparing the food is ripe for innuendo: You could stuff a little meat into their sandwich, provide a creaming filling for their desert, etc.
Around this time last year when it snowed heavily I spent the night with one of the managers from Gunstones in The Manor House. She asked me to avoid her boss on the way out because she was married, her boss had seen us together the night before and didn’t want him to know I spent the night. Instead, I sat on the table next to him, charged breakfast to her room and one of the staff members high-fived me.