Dronfield

Unstone: Maybe We’re Not All Related

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Unstone has been at the heart of scientific enquiry over the past few weeks when local man, Fred Norman, discovered his girlfriend, fellow resident of Unstone Shannon Harlow, shares no common DNA with himself. That’s right folks, we thought it was impossible, unthinkable even, but confirmation has been given today that there in fact two born-and-bred Unstoners who are in no way related!

Dr. Jean Kelley, geneticist and author of the controversial Since When Were Matching Genes A Problem? studied the shrinking gene pool of Unstone for fifteen years, and claimed in late 2007 ‘the inevitable has happened; every member of Unstone can officially be mapped onto a single family tree.’ However, this shock finding puts Dr. Kelley’s life’s work in disrepute and has left Unstoners wondering how many other chromosomal differences might be present.

When asked how Fred came to suspect that Shannon might not be a distant relative of his, he said ‘well she dint know me second-cuz, Jimbo, an’ everyone in the fam knows Jimbo, it’s usually the first thing me and a lass laugh about on a date cos he’s a right character and we always swap stories an’ that. When she dint have a clue who I was on about it got me thinkin’ something wasn’t right so I applied for Jezza K.’

The episode of Jeremy Kyle, which included several DNA tests and a video testimonial from the founder of Ancestry.com, was deemed too shocking to televise, as it would likely upset audiences. An executive with ITV said, ‘I imagine this is what people felt like when it was proved that the Earth wasn’t flat! Everything we thought we knew was wrong and it wouldn’t be right to distress viewers with that kind of news.’

So, what’s next for Fred and Shannon? A close friend of the couple informed us that they’re planning on starting a family. Neither has ever considered having a baby before because of the uncommonly high number of genetic disorders that occur as a result of interbreeding, and, of course, the abnormal percentage of ginger-born babies from Unstone, but at least now they only have one of those to worry about.

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