People like Christmas for a lot of different reasons: children like it because they get presents they don’t rightly deserve (having been a needy inconvenience for the last 10 years). Boring – sentimental – people like it because they get to spend time with family. The attention seekers among you like it because it’s the perfect time for a sympathy-inducing seasonal meltdown following your hollow threat to end it all for the fifth year in a row.
However, normal people like it because it’s an excuse to live in excess, drinking your way in and out of a dark place and eating your hot bod away until you resemble a worn out inflatable life raft. Every time you’re about to walk into a room, you’ll subconsciously think, “Tonight Matthew, I’m going to be…”, followed by a succession of fat celebrities (i.e. Adele, Kathy Burke, the Michelin Man) but who cares right? Losing weight is for full-time fat people with New Year’s resolutions and bikini dreams, you know that when you’re back to your normal routine the weight will drop off by April.
Food is as much a part of Christmas as being tight is to the Scottish or losing at football is to Dronfield Town, it’s not going away any time soon. When it comes to Christmas, food rules. It’s the reason Jamie Oliver’s smug face is plastered all over Channel 4 from December 1st to December 23rd reminding us the best way to eat sprouts is to cook them with chestnuts and bacon, oh and don’t forget the butter, if you don’t fry them in butter you might not even feel like you’re going to have a stroke after you’ve eaten them, and we wouldn’t want that.
Your Christmas Day will be spent sweating over, and probably into, mountains of food you’ll never finish, from roasted parsnips to stuffing to dry turkey meat, so Dronfield Digital implores you to take a minute to think about those that won’t be able to celebrate Christmas in this way, those who won’t have any turkey to eat, those that will have to suffer with only the most basic Christmas dinner. No, I’m not talking about the poor (heaven forbid), I’m talking about vegetarians. Vegetarians, you’re ruining Christmas for yourself.
It’s paradoxical, it’s like turkeys voting for Christmas, depriving yourself of all the meaty goodness of a Christmas dinner is a full on afront on logical reasoning. I beseech any vegetarian, vegan, lesbian or pescetarian not to question their life choices after smelling the seasonal wonders of pigs in blankets, goose fat roasties or meaty, stock-laded gravy. I’ve eaten nut roast before, twice, it wasn’t pretty. It’s like eating a pulped copy of Ed Milliband’s uninspiring autobiography mixed with barley.
And on that bombshell, I wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.