SPORTSFLASH: Dronfield football teams aiming for the top.

Gosforth Fields, Dronfield Woodhouse

Supporters of football clubs Dronfield Town FC & AFC Dronfield are celebrating today after the news was announced of a take-over of their small home-town clubs by a wealthy benefactor. Billionaire Saudi businessman Sheikh N’ Vac of the carpet freshening empire has completed a buy-out of both clubs for an initial £50 each, with the promise of a further £500,000,000. This will amalgamate both clubs to form Dronfield Dynamo, and will fund a 15 year rise through promotions up the non-league divisions, the Football League, and ending in promotion to the Premier League, or The Global Soccer Stars Standings as it will be known after 2025.

Plans have been approved by the Parish Council for a new state-of-the-art 80,000 all-seater, air-conditioned, 4G, carbon-neutral, multi-sports stadium to be built on the site of Dronfield Civic Centre, and work will begin immediately on the closure & demolition of the last remaining shops ‘in the Civic’, as well as the council offices, and the leisure centre. It is envisaged that this new stadium, named The Dronny Dome, will also become the home venue for the region’s other professional teams due to the terminal declines in fortunes and league positions of Sheff Weds and Sheff Utd.

Incorporated in the Dronny Dome design will be a huge new retail centre to compensate for the loss of the Civic Centre. This will include 4 Co-ops, a new takeaway group (Fatter Sams), the obligatory number of charity shops, various betting outlets, a Wetherspoons to be called ‘The Peel Palace’, and at least 28 new coffee shops. The Dronfield Market will close forever due to lack of interest. An Olympic sized open air swimming pool will be situated on the retractable roof of the stadium, which will slide back in the style of ‘Tracey Island’, as the Sheikh has also bought Thunderbird 1. Car-parking will be catered for underground, and the whole of Dronfield Woodhouse has been identified as the venue for 25,000 spaces. Preparation for this began some weeks ago, under the guise of non-stop ‘roadworks’ around the town.

Athletics will be catered for with the installation of a track around the football pitch and a new Dron Valley Harriers team of elite Dronfield athletes will be created, with genetic engineering from a new Health & Performance Centre built deep in the stadium’s basement.

A council source was quoted as saying: “This investment and development will further enhance Dronfield’s standing as a force to be reckoned with in North-East Derbyshire. We are proud to host Sheffield’s oldest professional football club down at The Coach & Horses, and now we will also play host to the newest one. After taking inspiration from the Micheal Jackson statue situated outside Fulham’s Craven Cottage ground, the council will be comissioning and installing a similar tribute outside our new stadium to reflect Dronfield musical infuences. A bronzed life-sized Dave Berry will therefore take pride of place”

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