In case you’ve not realised, Christmas is just around the corner. That’s right, the halls have been decked with boughs of holly, everyone is rockin’ around their Christmas tree, and Santa Claus is most certainly comin’ to town. Dronfield town, that is. Here are a few ways to spot that Dronfield is well and truly into the festive spirit.
O Holy Night, the stars are shining brightly
And by stars, we of course mean dazzlingly tacky, visually offensive Christmas lights that are sure to set electricity bills throughout Dronfield rocketing so high they might actually get to meet Rudolph as he’s pulling Santa’s sleigh through the sky. In fact, with all the garish, snowmen-shaped artificial lights polluting up the night sky, it would take nothing short of a Christmas miracle to actually spot a real star, never mind for three wise men to find their way to Bethlehem (or even Jordanthorpe) by it.
Happy Christmas you arse and thank God it’s our last
Ah, the classic Christmas domestic. In the true fashion of middle-class, small-town suburban life, everybody seems perfectly happy and normal when you pass them on the street, but behind closed doors they’re sleeping with their husband’s best friend, he’s blown all their life savings to fund a treacherous gambling habit and their handsome, overachieving son, James, is battling an alcohol problem and homosexual urges. What’s so magical about Christmas is the need to share these problems in highly public, holiday-stress-fuelled arguments as you’re fighting your way around Sainsbury’s looking for a pack of frozen peas.
The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life
Dronfield is full of overly decent, unfathomably charitable people, the kind that fill you with a deep sense of shame when all you drop into the donation box is a fistful of coppers. During the festive season, though, all of this is forgotten. Sure, the food-drives and the fundraising presence is no less active than at any other time of the year, but instead of being judged for slacking on charity, what you’re really getting judged about is the poor quality of your Christmas presents. What do you mean you spent less than £100 per person? How can you possibly give a gift wrapped in WHSmiths-bought paper instead of custom hand-made paper? You’ve bought a gift-voucher, really, I mean how little thought did you put into that? Jeez, can we go back to scorning me about orphans and terminal illnesses please?