Dronfield

Obama Gets the Hump with Coal Aston

Holmley Lane - Dronfield

North East Derbyshire County Council has been put under international pressure after the United Nations appealed for the town of Coal Aston to donate speed bumps to countries in the developing world.

Leader of the UN, (Banki Moon?), made a statement earlier this week saying “The town of Coal Aston is hording over 50% of the world’s speed bumps and action needs to be taken to distribute these fairly to the developing world.” He went as far as to say that the amount of speed bumps was “unethical and unjustifiable”.

The appeal has been made after the International Speed Hump Inspection Team (ISHIT) found that in their global survey, Coal Aston had the most speed bumps per square kilometre, more than any other town by 490%, while motoring accidents in the developing world was at an all-time high.

The United States has responded to the appeal siding against Coal Aston and has called for military intervention to invade the suburb and extract the speed bumps by force. This, however, has set diplomatic alarm bells ringing, with Russia calling for calm and to let the United Nation’s own Speed Hump Inspection Team carry out their investigation of the quantity and size of speed bumps in Coal Aston, before any military action is decided.

The heightened diplomatic tension has caused the appeal to be dubbed the ‘Hump Crisis’ by the press, however there are rumours that a pornographer has filed a court case against the press over a copyright issue with a 2004 film of the same name.

The appeal has made a stir on Downing Street with a mixed reaction to the appeal. Foreign Secretary William Hague has sided with the UN and has urged Coal Aston to take action and donate some of its many speed bumps. Mr Hague had this to say to Dronfield Digital: “Britain has a responsibility towards developing countries, it will be a long and bumpy road until we see pedestrians safe from motorists in all LEDCs. However, if Coal Aston decides to donate its speed bumps it makes that road that bit shorter.”

Leaders across the world are shocked that the US would consider an invasion on British soil; however the US insists that the quarrel is not with Britain or Coal Aston itself but with the “War on terror” saying that the speed bumps are in fact terrorising residents of Dronfield. Talk within the Obama administration suggests that a plan for a US invasion would include extracting the speed bumps for global distribution, and finding those responsible for the speed bumps and bringing them to justice.

The legality of such an invasion is under question, and a local conspiracy theorist (and virgin) has come forward with documents which link the Obama administration to a Chesterfield construction firm which is thought to have built the speed bumps. These documents could suggest that the White House funded the emplacement of the speed bumps in the first place.

Amongst the speculation, the North East Derbyshire County Council has not commented on the crisis, but it is believed that talks within the council over the purchase of a new treadmill for the Dronfield Sports Centre have been disbanded, while some on the council are beginning to fortify the Cliffe Park slide as a defensive measure against US intervention.

Contributor: Jonny Burton @JonnBurt

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