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Why Jordanthorpe is like a cheap energy drink.

Jordanthorpe.

It is common knowledge that Dronfield is surrounded by a varied mix of townships/estates/fields; one of the most well-known of these locations is arguably Unstone. However, today we will be discussing Jordanthorpe in this exclusive article. ‘Jordo’ as it is more commonly known, is located just down the road from Coal Aston –  if you don’t know where Coal Aston is, you probably haven’t been to The Chequers for a hangover-busting microwaved-cooked 2-4-1 calorie-fest.

Jordanthorpe, unlike most  places, shares many common properties with that of a cheap-as-chips energy drink you may pick up in a Tesco Express or one of Dronfield’s many Co-ops.

1) Jordanthorpe is linked with high blood pressure and fatal heart attacks.

The first similarity I would like to address is Jordanthorpe’s high blood pressure and fatal heart attacked inducing properties. Those of who have perhaps spent more than 10 minutes in Jordanthorpe –  you may have been passing through on your way to work, scoring some ‘high-grade’ or simply showing your children what might happen to them if they don’t ‘try harder’ – will have noticed the immediate fear that grips you.

Your hands start to involuntarily shake, you lock the doors, you try to ‘look poor’ and avoid eye contact with absolutely everyone. This ‘Jordanthorpe Effect’ is known to have caused 3 heart attacks within the last year.

2) Jordanthorpe makes you instantly more alert.

Cheap energy drinks tout themselves as ‘increasing mental alertness’, this is also true of Jordanthorpe. I have never been to Jordanthorpe without being immediately more aware of my surroundings, focusing on absolutely everything. I also attribute this to the ‘Jordanthorpe Effect’. I estimate that even brief exposure increases mental alertness by at least 200%.

3) Jordanthorpe is affordable.

Jordanthorpe is affordable and accessible; Jordanthorpe is not beyond the reach of most people. This is due to the affordability of housing a high turn-over of residents which I can only assume is something to do with the Judicial system. If you are looking for easy, affordable housing with only a minor risk of burglary and great public transport links to Meadowhead, Jordanthorpe is for you.

4) Old people avoid it.

Anyone that knows old people knows they absolutely love drinking. However, pensioners are not known for their love of Jagerbombs; this obviously is due to their disliking of energy drinks. It more than likely causes them inconveniences such as energy and regular bowel-movements, it makes more sense to them to avoid it. Old people feel this way about Jordanthorpe, especially after a few drinks, it causes them untold inconvenience –  mainly in the form of filling in witness reports the next morning.

 

Please note: If this article has caused any offence, or you feel I have falsely represented Jordanthorpe then I implore you to buy an energy drink for 35p from a local convenience store.

 

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