Dronfield is a varied and well equipped town, but I believe there are several things I think we can do without and still maintain a higher standard of living.
1. Those who claim we are an incomplete community without a Starbucks.
Now I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t admit that I’m partial to the odd Iced Café Americano, or overpriced blueberry muffin, but Dronfield doesn’t need a Starbucks. Even less so the people who believe we are lost and adrift without one, it simply isn’t so. We’ve made it this far without one, why give into the heartless coffee industry now, after we came so far?
2. The judging eyes of elderly persons.
Most days, I enjoy wearing a jacket or denim jacket, the odd lightly offensive t-shirt and dark jeans, and by extension the rock and roll lifestyle associated with this clothing. But I can guarantee that anytime I should choose to go for a stroll in said attire, I will be met with the judging eyes of the older population of this town. I’m not a bad person; I don’t hang around in front of Clintons drinking cider at 9pm. On a Wednesday. Why should I be judged as such just because of my sweet style? It’s not needed in this town.
3. Loud-mouthed members of younger generations.
In a similar point to my previous one, I dislike the amount of younger people in this town that find it necessary to verbally and offensively announce their cocky opinions on passing townsfolk, while necking cheap hooch in our many public parks or seated areas. If Dronfield is to become the utopia it can be, we can certainly do without judgement from our older and younger peers. Yes, this is filler.
4. Another supermarket.
Dronfield is amongst the premiere locations in the United Kingdom, nay Europe, for choice of grocery shopping outlets. We have a large selection of Co-ops to choose from, along with a large Sainsbury’s and the still shiny new and ever exciting Aldi. For the elite, we also have several well stocked petrol stations and newsagents, who stock everything from tea, (comparatively) cheap fags and booze and microwave meals. What more does man need to survive? I, for one don’t want another supermarket to have to traipse around in an effort to save an extra 3p off a pack of basic Bourbon creams.
5. The Dronfield Advertiser, (RIP, too soon).
Yeah, that’s right. I said what we’re all thinking. It no longer contains anything to do with our town; I could learn more about what’s happening in Dronfield by sitting astride the Peel monument with a telescope and screaming my findings at a large crow.
And finally, 6. Year-round ice-cream vendors and scrap “merchants”.
I can’t possibly have been the only person to have noticed the influx of recent years in mobile iced desert sales vehicles and scrap metal re-purposing agents. Coincidence? Yes.
Let me tell you a story. Late last year, I was idly sat at home, in my wingback chair and smoking jacket, guitar clutched in one hand, whiskey grasped in the other. My reverie was broken suddenly by the musical abomination that is a polyphonic version of the Match of the Day theme song, played loud enough to be heard just outside Kilmarnock. I returned to my musing, when no more than ten minutes later I was graced with a rendition of “Any Old Iron”, played at such volume, should a man be stationed on the moon, Houston would have been informed of a problem shortly after.
This took place in the first week of December 2012. Who, in their right and sane mind, buy ice cream a week into December? Then it struck me. The frozen desert wagon lures you away from your valuable collection of disused trampolines, just long enough for the merchants to sneak around and borrow against them for a short term loan.
Long story short, Dronfield does not need a year round supply of ice cream. And we can also live without scrap collectors waking us up after a night out with loud assault of a 1950s music hall number.
I hope my views are mutual, and I expect to hear from local authorities shortly to create some laws based on my findings.
Yours satirically, Matt Cross @RocknRollFletch.
Only in Dronfield would there be an Ice Cream Van playing The Twelve Days of Christmas! #optimistic
— Benjamino (@Petrolheed) December 9, 2012