A handy guide to buying drugs in Dronfield


By all accounts Dronfield should rename itself as Little Columbia – it’s the cocaine capital of North East Derbyshire –  but the council are too cowardly to do it. They are probably too busy organising a charity bake sale or mainlining herion inside a chamber of the Civic Hall. 

If you want to buy drugs in Dronfield the absolute first thing you need to do is: be in Dronfield. This guide will be of absolutely no help if you’re not in Dronfield. You really would be starting off on the back foot. If this point feels counter-intuitive I suggest you probably avoid trying to buy drugs anyway. 

The traditional way to buy drugs, before the advent of the internet, dark web markets and Bitcoin you had to hand money to somebody and they would – hopefully – give you a small plastic bag with whatever intoxicant you wanted to manipulate your nervous system with. For the sake of this guide we will focus on this method.

DISCLAIMER: This guide is not for young people, not because I’m told encouraging young people to take drugs is bad but because they already know who to get it from, what to get, how much to pay and they are already too high on drugs and busy to read this. So, yeah. Read on at your own risk, old man! 

In Dronfield there are a few way to meet drug dealers. You could wait outside Greendale shops for half an hour until you see a kid in sportswear and ask him if he can sort a draw, but ultimately you’re going to look like a pervert trying to solicit sex – regrettable, avoidable and probably not that satisfying even if you are – most of these kids aren’t exactly model material. Really, the discernable lack of paedophiles in Dronfield is truly testament to this. 

The other approach is to just ask people you know. Your friends – unless all your friends are police – aren’t going to phone the fuzz on and they probably know someone, or they know someone who knows someone. If you’re in your 40s at least one of your friends has an addiction to pain medication to distract her from her unhappy marriage. Ask her. It’s a tried and tested approach, it might take some asking around but it’s possible.

The third approach: just ask your son. Your son knows where to score dope.

Think about it…

He just inexplicably bought a new car despite no fixed income.

He has a t-shirt with a marijuana leaf on it.

He goes out every single evening from 7pm until 12:30am, comes back and eats everything.

He dropped out of Norton College.

He has a bad tattoo.

He has small weighing scales on his bedside table but he doesn’t cook.

He always has a thick wallet of cash.

He’s got a suspicious vase.

He constantly smells of weed.

He’s been busted for possession of cannabis four times and brought home by the police.

Your son is a drug dealer.

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