In Dronfield there are endless opportunities to convey your superiority over your fellow man: you can buy your shopping from a shop higher up on the unwritten supermarket hierarchical structure, you can make a point about getting a Taxi from the Dronfield Arms to The White Swan because you ‘don’t like bloody walking’, you could even tell your neighbour that your daughter is doing great at university despite the fact she’s failing and has a cocaine problem. But if you really want to make your neighbour John jealous, you’re going to have to try a little harder.
If, like most rational people, you don’t bother doing things unless you can tell people about them with a smug smile, joining a paid-members golfing club should be on the to-do list. The Hallowes Golf Club provides you, yes you, the opportunity to unleash the aspiration, unfettered snobbery and wanting for a needlessly expensive hobby inside you. When you tell people you’re ‘just going for a quick 18 holes and maybe have a quick bevvy at the Clubhouse’, girls are going to be especially impressed, and your neighbour John, John is going to be so jealous he might suspect his wife is sleeping with you. Typical John.
The Hallowes Golf Club, founded in 1892, is described on their website as a ‘well manicured course [which] offers a complete variation of holes with quick, true greens and is a fine test for accomplished players whilst being fair and rewarding for golfers of all standards‘. As a non-golfer all this talk of hole variation and players leaves me feeling uncomfortable, like John is every time his wife catches your eye when you’re getting into the car in a morning and does that wink thing. Oh man, John is so jealous.
You’ve paid the memberships fees, you’ve got the set of clubs you may have bought from their pro-golf shop, but what are you going to wear? Luckily, their website is going to save your bacon; a cursory scan of their ‘Clubhouse Dress Rules’ (because let’s face it, you’re not going to actually play golf, you just want to drink in the Clubhouse), reveals casual dress is acceptable, ‘The Board of Directors do not intend to define ‘casual dress’, however, it is expected that all members will uphold the high standards required in a golf club of this stature.‘ – I called the Hallowes Golf Club to find out exactly what they consider the stature of this course to be, I would not describe their answer as pragmatic but I did find out they hate denim, poor people and poor people wearing denim (like John, that Levi’s wearing bastard).