A guide to getting laid in Dronfield for 2015’s straight male

Baptist Church, Dronfield

If you’re like me, you didn’t find that girl in your Year 7 English class at Fanshawe, you didn’t fall in love with her, you didn’t ride the rollercoaster of adolescence with her, you didn’t end up studying at Sheffield Hallam with her, and now you don’t rent a single-bed off Coniston with her…

And also like me, you’re head-over-heels that you dodged that fucking bullet, like missing out on a train to Auschwitz. Neither are you bitter in the slightest that you’ve never found love but it’s seems so easy for your mate Jack, who manages to cycle relationships so regularly his Facebook looks like the photo library for Match.com. Nah, you’re not bitter. Not you. Moving on. Prick.

Getting a date

Going out to pick up a girl in Dronfield is a bit like going fishing in a shit canal. It’s futile, demeaning, you’re not sure what equipment is the right equipment and if you do catch something it probably wasn’t worth all the effort in the first place – or VD, you’ll catch a venereal disease.

There’s always the hope that you’ll see an old friend who’s half attractive, who might even want a half-arsed shag after a few beers – but that’s only going to lead to disappointment and a damp patch on a duvet. You need to be more practical: all your efforts should be put into Tinder.

Look for girls you know or recognise from school, it makes for easy conversation starters, “Fancy seeing you on here! Thought you were with Jack?! You dropped out of uni?! Hahaha ha haa lol.”

Where to go on a date

You’ve passed the first step and it’s time to wine and dine your Tinderella. Because you’re both local to Dronfield, and you’re too cheap to fork out for a cab, you’re staying in D-Town (which is hopefully where you’ll be taking her later. IF SHE’S LUCKY, AM I RIGHT FELLAS???HAHAHA).

This is a date; she wants to show her hapless friends she’s on a date, with somebody who’s at least ‘not bad looking’. Assume she’s planning to share the #datenight on Instagram, so pick somewhere original, which albeit is painfully difficult in a small town.

If you’re thinking Little Italy you’ve fucked up already. It’s the wrong place. Little Italy is for family meals, or half-price pizza/pasta on a sunday with your friend Elliott (unless, you don’t have a friend called Elliott).

It’s probably best taking her to an Indian, even if she doesn’t like Indian (but not Ayesha’s because you’re not at a friend’s birthday curry) there you can demonstrate your understanding of foods and beverages from places outside of Dronfield. Women are easily impressed by how you pronounce wine names, especially if the wine is strong and she can drink it very soon. You order a saag, not a korma and you order a Cobra, not a Carling, if you make the mistake of not getting a Malbec for the table, that is.

What to wear

This isn’t the place for the Brietling watch you got for your 21st, it might make you appear too successful. Be modest. Wear a Casio with a metal strap, its shows an appreciation for style whilst on a budget, and gives you that retro edge which will (maybe) add to your character. Plus, if she’s some opportunistic pickpocket she’s not going to nick your watch.

Trainers are a big no, you’re playing the field not playing tennis (haha, that’s a good one! (thanks mate!)). Smart up with a pair of brogues or boat shoes, loafers might make you look too interesting, and wear with some dark coloured jeans and maybe a long sleeved polo. Don’t fuck around, wear a shirt, jeans and brown shoes.

What to do when you realise she’s actually got no personality and all you want to do is get your dick wet but now you’re convinced that’s not going to happen because you made a joke about Jeremy Corbyn and she doesn’t know who that is and you sigh…

Drink more.

Contribution by JB.

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