A Festive Guide to Drunk Driving Around Dronfield

Mini-roundabout, outside Sainsburys. Dronfield.

You know it, they know it, we all know it: drunk driving is definitely the most fun thing to do, second only to going home with that young thing behind the bar, but of course that would include drunk driving back to your house anyway, she can’t be expected to walk (she might start having second thoughts on the way home)!

Picture this: You’re already sozzled but you’ve forgotten cheesecake and your in-laws are coming round… RELAX! Driving to the shop drunk is pretty much standard practice for every functioning alcoholic. And if a functioning alcoholic can out-perform you on a quick Sunday shop run then I guess your father-in-law – John, that mardy bugger –  was right when he said that you would never amount to anything other than an ‘unambitious gobshite’. When John sees that you don’t even have cheesecake after the meal, he’s not only going to think you’re an absolute spanner, he’s never going to lend you his new Flmyo  when the grass starts taking the piss. Put your driving gloves on and go find your keys.

Don’t drive too slow

Driving slow is suspicious, you might as well ring the Dronfield fuzz and tell them to take away your license. What you need to do is show attitude on the road, if anything, drive faster than you normally would. Driving fast shows people you are confident and capable, it will not only impress other road users when they realise how skillful you are, but you’ll also look pretty cool.

Music. The right choice is important

When it comes to driving fast under the influence of anything, I’m sure you’ll all agree music is very important. Don’t go for anything too emotionally involved, keep your ‎Sinéad O’Connor or Simon and Garfunkel in the glove box. Heavy rock is going to make you too aggressive and if you’re listening to Jazz then you have probably already crashed your Citreon. In absolutely no circumstance should you listen to Classical, it’s not a some diegetic score from the biopic of your life, plus people will think you’re a nob.

Arguably the best choice is pop music. It’s got a solid beat to keep your eyes on the prize, the lyrics are inoffensive and easy to sing along with and who’s going to pull the guy listening to One Direction at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon? No one.

Don’t go local

This goes without saying. You could do without Ian, the copper from next door, quizzing you about who’s drunk what and how he noticed your car wasn’t on the drive and oh, you smell like beer, have you been drunk driving? You’re off duty Ian, stop being such a tosser about it, I didn’t say anything to Carol when I saw you with that women in town last year and you asked to borrow a condom. Just make sure the place you go is out of the local radius. I would say 5 or 6 miles.

If you get pulled

You get pulled, he knows you’re drunk, you know he knows you’re drunk. You’re looking at a driving ban for 2 years. There is a line you can use, which is guaranteed to at least slightly reduce the consequences, it’s the last joker up your sleeve, the white man’s race card if you will: “I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore, I feel so lost, I need help”. This is the start of every classic cry for help monologue,  the rest is pretty much up to you. Ad-libbing doesn’t come naturally to some people, but with the amount you’ve had to drink I’m sure you’ll say just about anything right now. I’m not saying it will get you off the hook, but nobody wants to deal with crying men over the age of 40 so he might take pity on you.

Merry Christmas and a happy clean license.

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