False Widows Invade Unstone

False Widow, Unstone

Imagine a spider. Now, imagine a spider slowly crawling up your leg while you’re sleeping. Now, imagine it’s bitten you. Now, imagine you live in Unstone. That’s right, be scared.

You may have read reports, currently circling, of False Widow spiders eating legs of unemployed-looking people you don’t know in TV Quick. Well, it’s now more likely you’ll hear about reports of False Widow spiders eating legs of unemployed-looking people you might know, at your next coffee morning.

The False Widow spiders have found their way to Unstone from the South; Nobody currently knows how the spider managed it yet, but locals have their suspicions they may have crept into boxes of knock-off Nike trainers (a key staple of Unstone’s economy). The first reported sightings were last Wednesday when a man found a False Widow in his pint.

The False Widow’s haven’t currently attacked anyone, or been seen by anyone except the aforementioned drunken man, but he is absolutely adamant it’s ‘one of those bloody spiders off the news’ and subsequently added it ‘wouldn’t be on, at all’ if they didn’t give him a fresh pint or two to make up for it.

A Dronfield Task Force have proposed the building of a wall to both block the spiders and Unstone out, the ring-leader of the Task Force had this to so, “It’s a bit of a blessing in disguise if I’m honest, I mean, we’ve had the plan in place for years but we’ve never had a credible enough excuse to execute it. A good day for all!” – Unstoners have responded angrily, citing the lack of local shop as the reason the blockage may be harmful to their tribe.

We will report if the story unfolds further.


If anyone has anyone views on the lack of shops in Unstone, we would like to know. Please comment below or contact us.


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