Like all God-fearing men, I religiously read the Dronfield Eye. More out of necessity than anything to remind of things I avoided last month in Dronfield and future events to avoid. It’s not that I wouldn’t enjoy going, it’s that I’m certain the Mayor has a thing for me and I don’t know how I’d let her down gently without breaking her heart. Of course, she hasn’t said anything flirtatious to me or even really acknowledged my existence for the most part, but I think she once winked at me and that sealed it (I can’t really blame her, look at me).
I find the best time to read the Dronfield Eye is after a steady drink; I’ve found the ideal ‘Eye time’ is the gap between the drink where you start liking your ex’s Facebook profile pictures and the drink where you message their slightly less attractive friend asking if they want to grab Chinese food with you, or – depending on your disposition – the drink where you start commenting ‘fit’ on pictures of teenagers, because you’re still definitely cool and you’re pretty sure they are definitely (hopefully) at least 17.
June’s edition of the Dronfield Eye has an earth-shattering interview with Dronfield’s youngest – and by extension, probably least boring – Town Councillor, Rosie Smith (24), which pushes the boundaries of good taste with questions like, “What is currently in your car CD player?” and “What’s your favourite place in Dronfield and why?”. The kind of questions that usually come before Anne Robinson tells you you’re the weakest link and does that sexy wink that the Mayor does to me (or at least did that one time outside Sainsbury’s). It will be no surprise to any of you to find Rosie skips between ‘whatever[s] in the charts’ and Radio 4, and her favourite destinations are ‘the pubs in Dronfield’, which got my back up because I am prejudice to believe she’s boring (she’s a Labour Councillor) but I must confess, I too listen to Radio 4 segments between chart hits and my favourite places in Dronfield are definitely the pubs.
Which prompted the question: I’m kind of boring but am I less exciting than a Dronfield Town Councillor?
- When asked what her single greatest ambition is, she answered ‘to ski the fastest ski run in the world, the Hahnenkamm, at Kitzbuhel in Austria’, which is admirable, and more importantly overshadows my dream to see how many fist fights I can avoid before I get my comeuppance for writing needlessly mean things about people on the internet.
- When asked what the best day of her life has been she answered, ‘It would probably be one which involved skiing and mountains’ again, top-trumping the best day of my life, which presumably doesn’t involve skiing or mountains if I could think of one that isn’t the time I thought I lost my shoes but actually turned out I was wearing them.
How can I compete with this young Town Councillor babe (read that with a straight face) who might even get a few facebook likes on her ‘Napa 2010’ photo album after ‘Eye time’? Am I destined to facestalk people in a drunken haze while Rosie – and presumably the rest of the council – are out go-karting or rafting down the the Ganges, taking selfies along the way? Hashtagging their adventures one trivial high-concept at a time.
I read on through the Q & A, still picturing Graham Baxter climbing Everest heroically without a Sherpa, nothing but Dronfield pride to keep his legs from ceasing up in the bitter conditions. Visions of Angelique Foster in a ghillie suit, stalking prey with a semi-automatic rifle and a handful of witty one-liners. Then I saw her response to “Any claims to fame?”, which shattered my imaginings of the Town Councillor Super Adventure Club immediately. The long and short of it is: Rosie said she met Ed Milliband, which for me is about as exciting as sitting in a Doctors waiting room without all the excitement and allure of guessing peoples ailments.
The simple answer is: Yes. I am probably more boring than a Dronfield Town Councillor, but if your biggest claim to fame is meeting the human equivalent of dry muesli then you probably need to set your sights a little higher.