There is nothing more tedious than reading about disgruntled motorists complaining about pot holes in the road. However, in an unlikely turn of events this antagonist of the A-road is set to put Dronfield on the map.
What started off as a small subsidence in the junction of Wreakes Lane and Stubley Hollow is now attracting a huge following across the globe. The pot hole appeared little more than a few weeks ago and started bothering the offside front wheels of motorists who would normally enjoy an uninhibited gentle left hander into Wreakes Lane on their commute home from work.
Since the emergence of the pot hole, it has grown in size at such a rate that last week the local council proposed plans to abort filling it in favour of using it as a new “hole in the road” style roundabout to link two roads together, providing a smoother flow of traffic around the often saturated rush hour hot spot.
Things took a turn for the worse soon after when the hole continued to grow at an alarming rate, such that all mainline train services between Chesterfield and Sheffield were suspended. Since then the hole has continued to grow exponentially and within the last few days English Heritage have declared the area a Site of Special Scientific Interest owing to its “intriguing geological properties”. Soon after, archeologists were drafted in to review the historical relevance of the hole. The BBC’s Tony Robinson, toothbrush wielding dust disturber from the program Time Team, stated in a press release that the hole “presented the tantalising prospect of producing the first interesting episode of Time Team in its 20 series run since it was first commissioned in 1994.”
The hole continues to wreak havoc as it propagates the lower valley. However, supporters of the hole, which now has 100,000,000 followers on Twitter, are quick to defend its advantages for the local economy. Councillors have taken the unorthodox decision to publicise the new tourist attraction and sight seers are now abandoning trips to mundane destinations such as the Grand Canyon to feast their hole-hungry eyes on what is now billed the 8th Wonder of the World.
In ShowBiz news, last night U2’s Bono announced that he would play to a capacity 900,000 crowd in the hole at the forthcoming Party on the Pitch festival this summer. He muttered some barely comprehensible Irish along the lines of “this hole is about bringing people together, the acoustics are ideal for our unique brand of shrill metallic ballads and the venue is the only one in the world big enough to accommodate my massive ego”. He then went on to repeat the message via the International Space Station as it passed over him in orbit. In other entertainment news, car pundit and top Rotherham bloke Jeremy Clarkson has announced he will race a free-falling base jumper to the foot of the hole in the new reasonably priced Kia Sportage 4×4. The footage is expected to last around an hour and will be aired as the 2013 Top Gear Christmas Special on BBC 2.
In property news, the influx of tourism has sent land prices sky high, the owner of Climax Fishing Tackle (to date still standing), is now sitting on a fortune estimated at £12,000m, knocking Roman Abromovic off the number 3 spot in the UK rich list.
Last night, awkward looking geek and software monopolist Bill Gates announced he was canning his plight to rid Polio using his vast fortune in favour of sponsoring those affected by the Dronfield Hole; cynics though, suspect he is only doing so to address concerns that the prancing pot hole will soon consume his UK Microsoft Technology Campus in Reading,
Last night the Government announced plans to re-route the proposed High Speed 2 rail link amidst fears that the hole may interfere with its provision through the Midlands. Whilst in religious news, Bible buffs are divided over plans to move the ancient Vatican City brick by brick, closer to the hole, due to some obscure coded message which revealed the world “hole” found by running a random Cipher algorithm across the entire Old Testament. Critics dismissed this as simply a misspelling of the word “Holy”.
When questioned on the future of Dronfield’s revenue generating crater, Town Councillors replied with the following statement:
“This pot hole cannot be addressed by our usual highway repair procedures. There are not enough buckets of gobo and low-grade bricks from demolished schools to fill this hole. Our resourcing issues are such that it is impossible to offer overtime to the 130,000 council workers needed to lob some mortar in and stamp up and down on it a few times. It is not financially viable, and doing so would leave a massive pensions deficit which would ultimately have to be met by the tax-payer”
The debate continues…
IN ALL SERIOUSNESS: There is a petition for Dronfield Town Council to sort the potholes out. Sign it here.
— Chris Mallory (@ChrisTheDJ1970) May 10, 2013