Dronfield: Zombie Survival Guide

Dronfield Bypass

The zombie apocalypse is a very real threat and should be treated with the same seriousness as practicing safe sex, discouraging underage drinking and finger-wagging at recreational drug use. Nobody knows when the zombie apocalypse will happen, but, I have a dark suspicion it will probably be in the next couple of weeks.

There are a few things you need to consider in advance when it comes to zombies: Zombies (especially the old school ones) just want your brains, they want nothing better than to munch on the goo from your noggin, you will have to fight to survive and if you are friends with absolutely anyone who has the face of a victim, you might as well shoot them down now.

Rather unfortunately, Dronfield is one of the single most landlocked places in the UK and the only surefire way to survive a zombie invasion is to get to the coast and start a new life on the sea (zombies cannot swim).


It’s happened, someone has finally flipped at the Civic Centre and devolved into a classic 1980s zombie with instantly raggy clothes, heavy eye-makeup and looking absolutely haggered (a bit like your mum on a Saturday morning, following her night out with the girls last week. Have words with her, she sent me some weird texts). It is important you run into the nearest shop and grab supplies, you will probably want to grab canned food, as this lasts longest. Woah, what are you doing? Put the basics beans down, you can only carry so much, if you’re not grasping for the Heinz you’re an idiot. Your life might be in serious peril but that does not mean you should compromise on the quality of your tinned food, what will your potentially infected neighbors say?

It is at this point you decide whether or not to grab your family before you drive the BMW/Volvo (anything really, except a Skoda, if it’s a Skoda you’re dead) to the coast. Weigh the pros-and-cons of grabbing the wife from the house, on the plus side it’s an easy ‘out’ and lets face it, this is easier than a divorce. On the down side, who will iron your shirts on your not-yet-stolen boat-cum-home? Right, you might as well grab her, you can always push her over-board later if she gets on-top. The kids? Leave the kids, you’ve only known them 5 years, you shouldn’t feel indebted to them. You’ve known John for 20 years but you’re not rushing to save him. It’s not like they know anything about sailing right? Idiots.

It might be the apocalypse, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have fun. No-one else has thought about stealing a boat yet so as you leave town make sure to make wisecracks to your wife about how you’re her ‘life-raft and tell her to call you ‘Captain’. If she refuses, this is the point where you surprise her and tell her when you were looting cans, you stole a few tins of Weight Watchers soup for her, because even though you thought about leaving her to die, you actually do love her.

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