Dronfield Manor House

Good men of Dronfield. Forget everything you were once told as a boy or growing pubescent young man about the so-called ‘law of the jungle’. In natures new pecking order, the lion is NOT the king of these dangerous, hot, sweaty, regions. These days, there are new kings in town, and lots of them to boot. Yes, alpha males, BEWARE.… the ‘Cougars’ of Dronfield now reign supreme.

You may have spotted these creatures through the week, going about their big cat business, roaming and lazily grazing in and around the streets and shops of our town, idly passing time of day with their feline friends. Have no fear; Do not be afraid. They will not usually attack, nor have much inclination to strike during a weekday. They will simply while away the daylight hours basking in the sun, recovering from the previous weekends feeding-frenzy, preening themselves and making sure that their skins are golden brown, their coats are glossy, and the flashing white teeth and razor-sharp nails are ready for the next man-hunt come the weekend.

As the daylight fades away into Friday evening , the cougars will tend to congregate round various watering holes in and around our town, planning their attack strategy, and salivating at the feast fast approaching. They will start on the outskirts of the target zone, maybe in The Farmer, The Coach, The Dronny Arms, or if they’re feeling brave, The Swan. As the evening moves on, so will the cougars, and these super-sultry sleek creatures will then get louder and hungrier, usually in direct proportion to the amounts of liquids they consume. At this stage my fellow male big cats, be careful of course, but also be confident and bold for they will NOT attack………yet.

They will then migrate on to their preferred hunting ground of Dronfield High Street for the eventual slaughter of various unsuspecting males on a Friday night. The watering hole of choice for the Dronfield cougar seems to be The Manor House, probably due to the abundance of prey. These cougars will tease you, tempt you, play with you, prod you, amuse you, arouse you, flirt with you and generally try to lull you into a false sense of security. Its all part of the master plan…….and it works…..virtually every time. The lions, the Tony the Tigers, the puma kings, the Cheetahs and the cheaters, the Lynxs wearing lynx, the pink panther, in fact all the alpha male big cats, (and even the small ones) will usually succumb to the charms of the femme fatale that is the classic cougar. They will often try to lure you away from your pack, in an attempt to pick you off at a later date, so keep your wits (and your mates) around you. They have been known to surround their prey, intimidating the poor creature with their mating calls of shrill high-pitched laughter, and displaying classic cougar ‘come-on-big-boy’ call signals: flicking hair, licking lips, puffing out of chest, etc. Make extended eye-contact with a cougar and youre immediately in the danger-zone. Wink at one and you’re in serious peril. Display any signs of weakness and your fate is then sealed. She will cozy up to you and purr sweet nothings into your ear. At this stage my fellow man, you’re on your own…..good luck.

The only course of action left now is to drink up, say cheerio to your friends, and prepare to be dragged away into some quiet area to be mauled, and then eaten alive, for once the Dronfield cougar gets her claws into you its game-over……

I have to say though, its a bloody good game…. so man-up, fasten your safety belt, take a deep breath and enjoy the ride!!!

A. Victim.

Deep In The Jungle,

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