Dronfield

Dronfield, don’t be twats: Vote Tory!

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With less than 48 hours to go the Election is upon us and we’re left with a difficult decision, who to vote for? Well, it’s probably not that difficult is it? I mean seriously, if you’re not voting Tory, you’re probably a twat (or a miner).

Despite the fact North East Derbyshire is Labour stronghold and it hasn’t really affected our lives adversely, I want to spell out a version of the future whereby Labour win again and Ed Miliband somehow manages to become Prime Minister:

It’s 7AM, the Monday following the General Election. Comrade Miliband has seized power, and used his political influence to stage a coup d’etat with the help of Comrade Sturgeon. He is now enforcing his own brand of communism upon the proletariat ranks.

Sainsbury’s was closed during the first round of purges on capitalism. We fear the Co-operatives could be next. All food shops are to be replaced by the state-sponsored Worker’s Friend grocery shops which sell only own-brand Cornflakes, bread and teabags. No olives. No asparagus. No Crunchy Nut.

The Civic Hall is to be attended once a day to watch short government-funded mindfulness lectures with particular focus on togetherness, inclusivity, common ownership of assets, the dismantlement of the class system, and Karl Marx biopics.

All traditional Conservative iconography has been taken away and replaced with large stone slabs. The slabs have chiselled in them Comrade Miliband’s 5 cornerstones of communism. Which of course means the Peel Monument has been smashed to pieces and erased from history because of it’s tribute to Conservative Sir Robert Peel, twice Prime Minister of Great Britain. This has forced Ms Roche to redesign the Fanshawe school uniform and she is absolutely fuming about it. In the mean time everyone is forced to wear their own clothes which include a putrid mix of Artic Monkey’s AM tour t-shirts or sport tops from Sports Direct.

You’re hungry for a medium-sized English breakfast (no black pudding) but you know you can’t have one. Comrade Engel’s food rations across North East Derbyshire have been enforced so surplus foods can be donated to the Scottish. Comrade Sturgeon has enforced mandatory conscription for anyone over the age of 6 (what a bitch!).

The grey sky reflects the misery in your soul.

Miliband prevails!

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