Dronfield Police Missing, Presumed Stolen!

Dronfield's most fantastic reprobate impound.


Dear All,
May I first implore you all not to panic as this is only a presumption and not a cold hard fact, until the evidence is stronger we cannot confirm that this is indeed a crime. However, I will treat it for what it is: a possible crime.

The question of where the stolen object (or objects in this particular case) was last seen is somewhat redundant in this instance due to the fact that Dronfield’s minimal Police force only crop up in four areas: Pentland shops, Greendale shops, The Civic Centre and Dronfield’s main road (commonly referred to as ‘Dronny bottom’ and among certain people the ‘T’ is silent). If I were to commit a crime I would most likely commit it in one of the four most populated areas of town where there would be multiple witnesses. Not to take any credit away from the Police force who do a top notch job ‘patrolling’ Dronfield, in the same way you patrol the Peak District while on a quiet walk around Castleton or Chatsworth with the family.

In fact it wasn’t until employees of The Civic Centre’s Co-op realised they had surplus jam donuts that anyone realised their sudden disappearance. An unnamed member of staff stated that they had ‘attempted to ring the police but there had been no answer’. After a few minutes of impressing upon said staff member the reason why the police were not answering, I decided to concoct a helpful list of where to look in situations such as this.

  1. The Desk: Whenever I ‘lose’ or misplace my keys, more often than not I find that they are basking in the glow of my lamp on the upside of my desk in rather plain sight. With this in mind I suggest to you, Dronfield, that you thoroughly check the upside of your desk as well as any draws or compartments it may have, as its highly possible that the police may simply be resting there. Also, it is possible that in a blind fury, possibly caused by your laptop loading and streaming pornography at a snail’s-pace or any other issues that warrant frustration, you may have carelessly thrown your hands in any direction thus knocking the Police (which you may have not known were there) onto the floor beneath your desk, so it’s essential to give the floor a thorough search as well.
  2. The reduced section at Co-op: Police offers, PCSO’s or any other ‘enforcers of justice and the law’ flock to sweet pastry products and what sort of harm is a day past its sell by date going to do to the consumer? Very little, would be the answer to that and the police realise this. Perhaps the decision of whether to choose two apple turnovers for 30p or a dozen (possibly more) brownies or flapjacks for 20p is too difficult. While I’m no expert, my advice to ‘the boys in blue’ is the same as in most things and that’s ‘quantity over quality’ boys.
  3. An old coat: We all have that coat that we only wear in extreme weather conditions, and Dronfield is no different, so perhaps you should check the pockets of said coat. Perhaps you left them in your ‘secret’ pocket where you normally hide your drugs or tobacco from your parents after you took them with you to the pub and out of fear of losing them had put them in the securest compartment on your person and simply forgotten them.
  4. A notorious youth with an attractive mother’s house: One thing I have learnt from multiple conversations with the police is that they are suckers for ‘MILFs’ due to the fact that they have to make the most out of any excitement they may experience, and becoming sexually aroused certainly counts as excitement. Therefore, it is highly possible that Dronfield’s police may be performing a ‘movie style stakeout’ outside the abode of a MILF. While this would normally last for one night (and the police have been missing for over a week) it is highly possible that the police force may have simply forgotten that they actually had any other work to do and due to mating season looming opted to stick with the MILF surveillance.

Despite all these plausible explanations, the idea that someone may have stolen the police still worries me and requires further investigation. I will keep you posted on the situation as more details arise.

Yours faithfully,

Will North.

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