It was today revealed that a shocking terrorist attack has been aimed at Dronfield Woodhouse in an attempt to smear its longstanding middle-class suburban image. Dronfield Digital can inform readers that the recurring overpowering smell of horse manure in the air is by no means an attempt to create tasty vegetables, but instead a daring attack by the terrorist association known as Country Bumpkins.
Situated in Holmesfield, the Country Bumpkins have in recent years attempted to present themselves as friendly farmers providing you with luscious local produce. While this disguise has certainly proved capable of fooling Dronfieldians for generations, MID (Military Intelligence Dronfield) confirmed to Dronfield Digital that it has strong suspicions that Country Bumpkins are behind the terrifying attacks. A spokesperson for the MID stated today that ‘the attacks are all too similar to previous atrocities committed by the group when a former mayor ordered that all Dronfieldians with an IQ of less than 64 must emigrate to Holmesfield.’ Although certainly a daring policy, and one which created Holmesfield’s one and only council estate, the former Mayor’s idea went down in Dronfield history as quite possibly being the most heroic act by any mayor, despite the intense hostility from those forced to emigrate. Now the question remains if MID are correct in their assessment, what could possibly have irritated Holmesfield’s farmers this time?
But the Holmesfield farmers deny the allegations. Toby Spent, a Holmesfield farmer argued that ‘once again the middle-class toffs of Dronfield Woodhouse think everything is about them. I’ve never heard of any Country Bumpkins and if I had, I wouldn’t tell you!’ Thankfully, a less hostile reply came from one of Holmesfield’s many Landladies, ‘I think this is ridiculous’ she stated, ‘Holmesfield farmers just care about their vegetables and we have an abundance of manure up here so farmers sometimes just get a little carried away. I’m sure nobody up here goes out of their way to harm Dronfield folk, even if the farmers are happy to let the Dronfield folk smell it a little.’ Nevertheless, it seems clear that Holmesfield farmers are enjoying the attention. One farmer attempted to drive through Holmesfield so slow on his tractor while transporting the manure that cylists, though able, dare not cycle past the tractor in case the issue got personal. It seems highly unlikely that the MID have this wrong.
However, while the Holmesfield farmers are responding to the allegations negatively, Dronfieldians in Woodhouse are dealing with the attacks rather well. As can often be seen around the Pentland Road shop area, stoic citizens of DW hold their heads high and claim to like the smell stating it reminds them of the country air. Meanwhile a slow walk around Gosforth Field or Sindelfingden Park reveals a most impressive number of children braving the terrorist attacks. Perhaps Holmesfield should turn its attention to other areas of Dronfield as Dronfieldians from Woodhouse refuse to back down to these acts of terrorism – no doubt the average age being 86 helps most DW citizens as the senses are somewhat dulled. Clearly the MID has discovered an evil and dangerous terrorist organisation that aims to drag Dronfield Woodhouse’s credible middle-class status down to that of the council estates around the Snape Hill area. With winter closing in it will be interesting to see how Country Bumpkins maintain their attacks and just how long DW citizens will remain passive to this onslaught. More to follow on this story.
Contributor: Elliott Hill