Dronfield: Crime Doesn’t Pay… As Much As A Day Job


With anti-social behavior at an all time low, due to the colder weather, darker nights and mum expecting you back at home by 9pm, the Dronfield Police have returned with a surprise come-back to tackle ‘proper crime’.

‘We’ve all taken a long break, I know nobody has seen us for a few years, but that’s because we’ve been working on a super-secret project’, a spokes-police-person from Dronfield Police told us, ‘A couple of years ago we saw Batman and we thought it was really cool, so we’ve spent the time making our super-cool vigilante costumes, they’ve taken absolutely ages.’ Citing making up back-stories for their characters as the most time-consuming part of the process, we should expect to see these super-heroes emerging from the shadows to fight crime and teenagers in the next month.

Although they might not be as high-tech as Iron Man, as green as the Hulk, as blonde as Thor or handsome as Captain America, the Dronfield Police, soon to be renamed the Dronfield Avengers, are plugged to be one of the most effective crime fighting forces in the S18 area by a substantial margin. The only other crime fighting force being the Ancient Indian belief of Karma, which has a 90% arrest rate, and a zero-tolerance attitude towards negativity of the soul and underage smoking.

Dronfield Police are holding X-factor style auditions for criminal super-villains and criminal master-minds in the next couple of weeks, in the previously closed Police Station round the corner from RBS, to find the most worthy nemesis they can. They have assured us, although is isn’t essential you have previous experience in this field, because training will be delivered, it is a ‘nice-to-have’. Key requirements  for the positions include: extreme megalomania, maniacal laughter, sharp dress-sense, snappy one-liners, witty ripostes and the inherent need to reveal all details of your diabolical plan before you are about to kill them in an unnecessarily slow and easy to escape situation.

It is claimed they have already received over 200 applications from Dronfieldians who consider themselves criminal master-minds, many writing their key experience as swindling self-service checkouts by putting expensive items through as root vegetables and mushrooms. The second most referenced experience point is drinking while slightly over the limit to pick up extra Tonic Water before Strictly starts.


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