Dronfield: Crime & Nourishment

Pentland Tunnel

Amidst growing concerns over the rising level of crime in North East Derbyshire’s favourite historic market town, it appears that tensions between the law-abiding citizens of Dronfield and the town’s swarms of 14-year-old hoodlums have finally reached breaking point, following a heist at a local business last Wednesday.

Dramatically deemed ‘the most shocking crime in Dronfield since the bulldozer incident’ and horrifyingly considered ‘not on’ by a local landlord, Wednesday’s events saw goods of a value totaling a whopping £6.48 stolen from a Dronfield Woodhouse business, who have chosen to remain anonymous, placing the crime amongst the most expensive and high-profile in the town’s history.

Police are said to have a handful of suspects in mind, the perpetrators have thus far been identified only by CCTV images depicting a group of five teenagers fleeing the scene, in possession of valuable looted items including a can of Diet Pepsi and a packet of Pickled Onion Monster Munch.

As Dronfield’s once welcoming streets grow increasingly dangerous, such gangs can usually be found frequenting Dronfield Bottom’s Pizzeria take-aways in search of fried delicacies and warmth; attempting to shun their middle-class, suburban roots in favour of a hardened life of crime and gang warfare, these youths are generally recognisable by their edgy, no-holds-barred lifestyle of occasionally smoking and by their fearless fighting of the system, donning sweaters which ironically read ‘OBEY’ and wielding an arsenal of profanities to hurl at unsuspecting victims.

Self-proclaimed ‘syndicates’ of ‘bud smoking’, these merciless thugs strike slightly mild concern into residents and business owners of Dronfield who fear they may be next in the potential wave of robberies predicted to sweep across the town. Nonetheless, despite the town’s wide-scale alarm and preparations for attack, the abundance of late-night Co-operative stores in the area means that nobody can safely predict the gang’s next target, and that no vendor of soft drinks and cheap cider in Dronfield is truly safe.

– Contributing Author, James Williamson.


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