Dronfield’s CRACKing Solution to Substance Misuse

Snoop Dogg moves to Dronfield.

With the recent nationwide news coverage that ‘legal highs’, such as ‘Clockwork Orange’, have received, Chesterfield’s mistakes have become Dronfield’s misfortunes, with the whole of North East Derbyshire being viewed as the drug capital of the North.
However, local authorities have reacted bizarrely to this label, choosing to view it as something of a badge of honour, and controversially deciding to decriminalize certain illegal drugs and introduce them to school students to prevent them from being peer pressured in the future.

News that the rapper Snoop Dogg (recently re-branded as Snoop Lion), has recently purchased a house in the Hill Top area of Dronfield has sent shock-waves through the town’s community, making a certain 60’s pop star who resides in the hill-top area seem like a thing of the past, a washed-up has-been. We asked a teenage male, from that area between the bypass and Pentland Road shops that no one really has a name for, exclaimed, “buzzin’ mate, absolutely buzzin’.” This overwhelming response to the rapper is mirrored by the increasing popularity of Amy Winehouse in Dronfield due to local newspapers holding her in as high regard as the Daily Mail holds Princess Diana.

This scheme has been embraced by the masses,  parents surprisingly included. One mother was reported as saying, “I was distraught when I caught my 17 year old son, Dazzo, snorting heroin and injecting mushrooms at the dinner table one evening,” but after finding out about the initiative being introduced by schools her mood soon changed. She said, “Well if school is supplying it and approves of it, then who am I to judge?” With this, Dronfield has achieved a similar status to that held by the likes of Amsterdam and California, with recreational drug enthusiasts from far and wide beginning to congregate in this small market town.

Pablo, a spokesman from ‘Beat Derbyshire’s Substance Misuse’ (BDSM) had this to say, “The real problem with misuse of substances is one of semantics. I understand how people may use a drug, but how does one misuse a drug? You’d have to be on drugs to misuse drugs, that stuff is expensive.”

Anyway, back to the matter at hand, the introduction of drugs into schools. This is not as simple as having a dinner lady stood in the corner of the playground offering class A narcotics to the highest bidder. No, the schools have maintained some form of order over the management and distribution of the drugs. The schools are not run by idiots, therefore these drugs will not be available to those in infant and primary schools.  The harder stuff is given to those predicted high grades(pun intended), to relieve the tremendous amount of stress they suffer as a result of teachers telling them they will not achieve and to take a brick laying course instead of A-levels.

To purchase the drugs students will need to have sufficient funds on their ‘dinner cards’ and these drugs will be available at most dining outlets around the schools. To work alongside this, students will now be taught about ‘da streets’ and the gangster life from a young age, with reception pupils soon to be singing along to Smoke Some Weed by Ice Cube instead of The wheels on the bus go round and round. Students will also learn how the relevance of who shot Tupac and The Notorious B.I.G outweighs the mystery surrounding JFK.

– Contributing Author, Anonymous.

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