Clowns Invade Dronfield #NotDronfieldEye

Cliffe Park Big Slide

It’s happened chaps. The wave of clowns that has swept the nation has finally hit Dronfield, taking this small market town by storm, causing outright paranoia and uproar among the citizens of Dronfield.

Some are intrigued by – and possibly attracted to – the clown, what with  his curly hair, permanent smile and ginormous feet. We asked the only self-proclaimed clown expert in Dronfield (and possibly the world) to provide us with his analysis of this clown’s motives. He stated that he was worried for his marriage as well as other marriages because, as he says, “men want to be him and women want to be with him”, inferring that women may be attracted to the enigma and shroud of mystery which surrounds this modern day joker. This is not a new idea; if there is anything we have learnt from films it is that anyone wearing a mask  is immediately more attractive (sans The Phantom of the Opera) due to their badass, loner facade that says ‘I’m too cool to actually be seen with anyone in public’.

On the flip-side there are many who do not see the clown as a vigilante type, with many mothers asking, “Is this clown a danger to my children?” And many more Dronfield citizens asking, more generally, “Is this clown a threat to the innocent people of Dronfield?” At present these questions cannot be properly answered; the proverbial ball is still in the clown’s proverbial court as he is yet to make his move. However, here at Dronfield Digital, unlike most news outlets, we resent stereotyping, there is no evidence which suggests that this clown is anything like Pennywise from Steven King’s IT. The fear that people feel towards this clown is, however, very real and understandably of great concern to the Dronfield town council. An unnamed source from the local authorities stated that he had “considered raising a militia to tackle the ‘clown menace’” similar to that done to combat the false widow epidemic. Said spokesperson then went on to say, “I fear that the clown may rise to martyrdom upon being killed by a local lynch mob.”

Given that the majority will be fearful of this clown I have concocted a list of places where you are most likely to stumble upon the clown, it goes as follows:

  1. Chesterfield Road/The main road/Dronfield Bottom/Dronny Bottom– The main road is often considered the hub of the town, the bustling centre of the vibrant metropolis known as Dronfield, where traders from nations unknown to humble town-folk come to trade in exotic food and other wares. This area is likely to attract the town clown due to the sheer volume of people who congregate here, even at night (when the clown is most likely to appear) youths crawl out of the woodwork to ‘chill on dronny bottom’ and attention from this crowd will be essential for the urban myth. After all, who else is going to Tweet/Facebook photographs of the clown captioned ‘omg just seen the clown #scared’ or ‘wtf clowns in Dronfield’?
  2. Cliffe Park– This is a candidate due to the stereotypes of clowns (as a horror movie-esque villain) preying on innocent children. Also there is a big open space with the ability to hold a large amount of people as well as bushes encompassing the area which our mysterious visitor could use for an escape if he were to receive any unwanted attention.
  3. Civic Centre– Generally packed full of mothers and children which the clown could strike terror in the hearts of. Also the market on Thursdays is a common hunting ground for the elderly to spy out bargains, which is profitable for the clown as the pension queue in the post office is a great form of communication, much like sending an e-mail on dial up, it takes a while to actually receive any valuable information but once the information is there it’s there to stay.

For those whose natural habitat is any of the three areas previously listed and aren’t sure where to go, I have slaved over a map considering where the clown will not make an appearance. These places are my top suggestions on where you should hibernate if you live in fear of the ‘malice’ being spread by the clown:

  1. Nowhere – That’s right, nobody is safe. The clown may strike any time, any place…

I will keep you posted with any developments on this story, if you have any sighting of the clown to report please contact us (somehow) and if not then why not jump on the band wagon and join in with the clown (potential witch) hunt.

Peace out y’all,

Will.i.am Not

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