BREAKING NEWS: Teenagers Prefer TV to School Classes

2013-11-10 14.09.45

A shock finding at the Dronfield Institute of Pointless and Obvious Research reveals that 93% of secondary school pupils would rather spend an hour watching a television show than attending class.

This has prompted an evaluation of the current education system, with MPs, teachers and parents all arguing over how best to proceed given this unexpected revelation. Dronfield Henry Fanshawe School has been nominated to pilot a new scheme, where teachers are simply replaced by popular TV shows. If, after the two year trial, student grades are up, bad behaviour is down and overall enjoyment of school has increased, the scheme is set to go nation-wide.

Teachers are on-board with the new lesson system, saying that it has to be more rewarding for them than standing and talking for an hour whilst nobody listens to them. However, they are under the impression that their presence in the classroom will still be necessary, to monitor behaviour, answer any questions at the end of the program, and of course, to fulfil the most important task of pressing play and stop on the television set. This may not be the case, though, as the government are currently in discussions about simply nominating a Head Boy/Girl for each class to perform these tasks, removing the need for teachers and saving the country £789,000 a year which can be better spent on improving prison conditions, with one MP saying ‘that money can buy our convicts a lot of PS4s.’

Discussions are currently in place to determine which TV programs should be included in the new curriculum. Downton Abbey has been confirmed for History and/or English Language, although academics in both fields insist its portrayal of the early 1900s is ‘not actually that accurate’. A unanimous vote has cemented Channel 4’s Embarrassing Bodies as the replacement for bog-standard Biology lessons, even though it ignores two thirds of the syllabus by focusing only on human biology.

In a controversial move, Breaking Bad has been proposed for not one, but four lessons: Chemistry (obviously), Maths, Law and Business Studies. Parents are disputing this, saying they don’t want their little angels to be exposed to such levels of violence and crime, but teachers argue that the hit US show would be able to greatly improve students’ understanding of these four subjects by setting them against a backdrop with which most of them are familiar: drug use and criminal activity.

The only lesson the curriculum organisers are really struggling with is Music. For other practical lessons, such as D&T (Grand Designs), Food Tech (Masterchef) and P.E. (Match of the Day), researchers insist that watching how to do something is ‘pretty much the same’ as actually doing it. The problem with Music, they say, is that exposing kids to the songs played on MTV or Smash Hits for an hour would actually be detrimental to their understanding of the subject. When VH1 or MTV Classic was suggested, however, all members of the organising committee were in agreement that the point was to keep it relevant to what the children like. A vote to simply remove Music from the lesson plan is currently underway.

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