In what has been coined as ‘the biggest miscarriage of sobriety’ of the modern age, reports are indicating a local man (who for legal reasons cannot be identified) ordered a kebab, stone-cold sober. It has shook the community to it’s very core, and are now asking the question: how reckless can you be without a pint in your hand?
Local loud-mouth and mother of 4, Shezz, tells Dronfield Digital how it all happened, “This fella just walks in right and I thought summat was up, because he could walk an that. He was proper speaking to the guy like he knew what he was on about. Didn’t even slur his speech or ask for garlic mayo! That point, I grabbed the kiddies and left. Remember thinking, this fellas a nutter, proper nutter.”
The accused is believed to have wondered in off the street after a casual stroll around the local area, without stopping in at least one pub for even a quick one. The proprietors of the fast food establishment have refused to comment, but our inside sources indicate they are confused, upset and really feel for the mans family.
John Stevenson-Jones, renowned British needlessly-hyperbolic-comment-put-forward-er, emailed us detailing his unwanted two cents, “This really highlights how dangerous sobriety can be. Without the excuse of several pints of Carling it is totally unjustified to eat a kebab. What next, are we going to have sober people walking around with traffic cones on their head? Maybe sober people are going to start getting arrested for driving. I bet the police would love that. Yeah, they would just love that.”
The aftermath has forced the local community to readdress how they order food drunk, individual reports suggest people are making sure to at least have 5 pints and 12 cigarettes before they order food, to guarantee they do not make the same mistakes. A lawyer for the accused has come forward with a statement suggesting he is ‘deeply distraught’ with his actions and is going to ‘really have a look’ his lack of drunkenness in the future, making sure to carry a hip-flask around everywhere.
We will continue to follow the story as it develops, until then, the local police force has requested that everyone still vigilant, but most importantly remember to stay safe and stay drunk.