In shocking research, commissioned by a group of people in Dronfield above the age of 45, it was discovered that 40% of people over the age of 45 in Dronfield will probably die in the next 40 years. People of 45 and above in Dronfield are said to be “absolutely f**king fuming” with the results of the study.
Local resident, Johnny Someguy (53), shared his two cents with us, “We all know who’s to blame for this, it’s the bloody council, as always, just sitting back and letting people die, once again. How can they live with themselves? I pay a fortune in council tax and they are just going to let me die in the next 40 years. Makes me sick. This country isn’t what it used to be. Oh, I tell you, 20 years ago people wouldn’t stand for this. I’m going to write them a letter. ”
In the wake of these findings, local seniors in association with the Rotary Club have planned a series of charity events, including a sponsored walk, a bake sale and something to do with fancy dress to raise funds for a trip to the Fountain of Youth. Although the action group are yet to discover the location of the mythical Fountain, one of the members told us: ‘We’ve got 40 years to find the bugger, can’t be that difficult.’
The research group who conducted the study have released a statement this morning indicating after further research, that this is also the case with the rest of Britain, and not an emergency localised to Dronfield.
After hearing this, we contacted Johnny Someguy (53) again for a further two cents, “So it’s not just the council that are content with letting everyone drop dead in the street, it’s the government as well. I knew it, you can’t trust these politicians. I imagine this probably has something to do with immigrants as well, bloody immigrants. ”
Reports indicate under-45s of Dronfield are said to be smug, full of vigor and laughing, and totally un-phased by the findings, speculating that dying is for people over 45, they’ve got plenty of years left in most cases to continue smoking, consume alcohol like drunkards in early Irish novels and eating Fat Sams at least twice a week.